Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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