you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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