I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
