Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
