I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
