saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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