Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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