whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
