i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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