my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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