i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just gargled with NyQuil
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
