So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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