fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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