I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
