I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
