You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
