I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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