Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
