Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
