I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
