Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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