Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
