If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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