I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
