Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
