Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize