remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
