She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
