just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
