can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
