I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
