Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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