EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
