The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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