is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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