I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
