My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
should my penis look like a turkey
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
