mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
