I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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