i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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