I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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