i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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