the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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