listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
