I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
