Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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