Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
