so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
