1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
