tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
