Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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