last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
