i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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