I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
