I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
