K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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